Happy, Sad,Angry…I am exhausted.

I had a bad day yesterday. First thing I did when I woke up after the necessary coffee making was check my phone. I immediately took offense to a post on Facebook. Anger welled up in me. I could feel my stomach lurch and my anxiety was a rush of overwhelming confusion. I thought this person validated me and my feelings but she doesn’t.

My first response was type a angry,angry, message. I can still see me doing it, maybe with even a superior cackle thrown in but I restrained. There are two sides of the story, maybe she feels guilty about something during my Facebook hiatus. Maybe she hates that I got sober. Who knows. Anyways, after fussing and calming myself down, I instead blocked her. She has my number, she can call if she values our friendship.

At this point I realized that I am having a mixed episode day. In bipolar world happy and sad all in one day. They don’t last as long as mania or depression but just as horrible. I had to get myself together for a foot appointment that I was dreading. Feet especially my ankles are my phobias. I got there and big sigh of relief, A God wink happened. I saw someone from my support team coming out of his appointment and I knew it was going to be ok. He hugged me and said “don’t worry he is a good guy.”

My appointment was happy, the doctor was great and only touched my ankle once. Yes, my day is now better. Thank God for the lesson but let’s go back to humorous memes about my mental issues.

Get home see that I have response about the anxiety of the foot doctor I had. It was joking but it hurt. Again, I want to angry, angry type or better yet call. Nope, this is family, calm yourself down. Stay off stupid Facebook!!!!!!

I decided to take a nap because I don’t want full mania to come on, and I haven’t been sleeping well.I slept about an hour and woke up still edgy, still invalidated and itchy to check Facebook. Pacing I started thinking, I make a joke of myself a lot. If you can’t laugh through the pain.. that thinking. If I want to be validated for my mental health maybe I should take it more seriously or why I need to make my pain funny for everyone else, note to self, future blog.

Right after this thought my husband came home. I burst into tears and was laugh crying when he asked how my appointment went. “It was the best part of my day.” Sob sob.

That evening I had somewhere to be but I was exhausted and also scared that all my emotions were going to come up and my filter would finally come off. They would have understood but it would of been my last straw to complete mania. Stayed home and isolated. My friend asked why? I responded,”that’s just me.” Maybe an issue to discuss in another blog.

I feel much better today, not a hundred percent but the anxiety is fading. Yesterday I feel I did the best I could. I did things differently, not my usual impulsive anger and that is HUGE. My God has a sense of humor. I thought my foot appointment was going to be my life lesson of the day… ha ha God ha ha.

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Picture this By Julie Haibach

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I keep getting this picture in my head. It is pitch black out with a few stars. I am in my car and as I am driving the headlights illuminate the trees as I drive by. There seems to be no end, maybe a curve here and there but no real end in sight. I am alone and I am the car in this journey.
This is how I have been feeling the past few weeks. The headlights represent my eyes..just seeking the road ahead and hopefully some answers. My eyes are still bright with the knowledge that with faith and time I will get them. Sometimes they get foggy or misty but I can still see what is next in this forever journey.
The trees are all my people maybe that is why there are curves. I may not need your understanding right now but at some point or curve I will need you. I don’t understand what is going on myself so hard to expect others to. I am here still just not what I was or what I will be in the future. Please be patient.
I miss fun loving, free laughing, good spirits Julie. She is there but the medicine will not let her out. Someday I will break through my dark journey into brilliant sunshine. When I do, we are all going for a ride and what a day that will be!!

My Bipolar Depression ( or what I like to call it, mixed mood agitated state) By: Julie Haibach

Yesterday I watched a very interesting video on YouTube about being bipolar. Dr. Patrick McKeon hit it exactly right in describing my depression which actually could be described better as a mixed mood state. I don’t stay in bed all day but I do cry very easily. I am not lethargic, instead I am antsy with no set focus. I cant even begin to listen to a podcast but instead can stare vacantly out the window and worry about the weather.
I may even be what they call a rapid cycler. I can easily be talking away to someone and will just burst into tears. I make plans then I can’t go due to a panic attack. I have all the intention of doing these things but my mind and body will not let me.
Amazingly this description of my depressed state is the best and most hopeful one that I have heard…I can’t see the future, I know..What the heck do you mean by that? Dr. Patrick Mckeon describes it as the future and the energy to accomplish what you need to do is all imaginary. Example: I imagine that I am going to the doctor today. If I can’t “see” that as part of my day then I know that I have no thoughts or focus…I am in a mixed mood agitated state.
If I can’t see what a writing piece will look like at the end then it doesn’t get done. Even housework becomes quite literally a chore. I am not staying in bed, sleeping too much or all the other signs of depression but the low of bipolar is just as debilitating because of not being able to imagine our next step.
Why am I hopeful? I finally got the most accurate description of my down cycle and I know that eventually this will even out and I will not be stuck where I am…Hey, maybe next week I will write more than I have been but alas, my hands are shaky and I am losing focus…signing off, have a great day everyone.

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What to Write. By Julie Haibach

Hello loyal readers going to try something because my ability of writing has seemed to have gone out the window. The past couple weeks have found me in a strange world of hyper anxiety. This started before my trip and continues today. I finally am understanding why bipolar people go off their meds. I haven’t, I won’t…I can’t risk a full blown panic attack. I do fantasize about running away..Jerry and the dogs included, to a place where I am not an alcoholic bipolar person..Just Julie is all I want to be. Yikes, I am getting morbid. Anyways, what is different these past weeks?
First and probably the worst is my tremors are back which means typing, texting, drawing, even holding a cup is a nightmare. I now carry a straw with me so incase my shakes are to bad I can use that. Last week I cried one morning because I couldn’t log in to my bank account. Jerry offered to help but I just laughed and said, “but you cant see!” Yes, an anxious moment turned into a laugh. Today, I am using the computer to write because the keys are bigger and easier to delete plus I am very shaky today.
Another fun thing is I now am afraid of wind while driving, I cancelled to appointments last week because of wind on the thruway. Somehow, a gust of wind is going to blow my, although small, but heavy car off the road. This week I have no problem driving..What is different? My pills where adjusted.
I wish I had something more exciting to talk about, I do feel better this week and on the path to writing good things. Right now, I am just impressed that I can type. Anyways, time to get ready for an appointment that I didn’t cancel and to go on with my day..until next week!

Coffee with Julie By: Julie Haibach

Not sure what I am writing about today but taking an idea from a friend and make this more conversational. I had a doctor appointment yesterday with my psychiatrist, he had increased my mood stabilizer a couple weeks ago and like I said last week my anxiety had been high and still is. As I type this my hands feel all fumbly, this means another bad day of texting. My phone has become a nightmare to me and even this large keyboard is difficult today. Well, he decided I need to start a different pill to go with my lithium, hopefully it works.
Fumbly fingers are bad but what is worse is the waves of panic. Heart flutters, sinking feeling in stomach, flush feeling of face, repeat. I leave for Madison, WI and to tell ya the truth, right now I could not get on a plane. A day from now, I will change my mind again. Last week, I cried the night before about going to the blood lab,

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large groups are a trigger. The next day I was perfectly fine with it. Driving, talking to people, eating or drinking in front of people all and more causes me great stress.
Sometimes I thing of the serenity prayer, To accept the things I cannot change. Somedays I do give in, cancel plans and become more hermity but I know I can’t live this way forever. Other days I have the courage to change the things I can…I can get through this.
Tonight is one of my favorite holidays..Halloween!!!! Can’t wait to take Adam out trick or treating. my days overall are good with good things in them, I have to remember that even when I am overanxious my life is a miracle and so am I.

Is my anxiety really depression??? Seriously, I don’t know. By, Julie Haibach.

It’s deceiving out there, too bright,not a cloud in the sky but yet the wind cuts through like a sharp knife. I am Not prepared for the chill. I am Not prepared for the people that will insist that it is a beautiful day. I will keep my head down and mumble, “aha” in response.. don’t want to bore them with my fall misery.

I remember the first time I felt like this. I was around nine or ten. This wave of sadness overcame me on a crisp fall day with puffy clouds. I remembered feeling like I would never warm up again. Looking back, this was probably the first time I dealt with unexplained sadness or depression. To this day, I hate cold sunny days..not because of the sun but what the weather does to me inside.

I have been forcing myself to leave the house lately, “come back in,” says the house as I try to leave and think of another reason to stay until finally I am out of reasons, I must leave. I tried reading aloud last week at an outing and all of the sudden the words blurred and my throat closed up! What if that happens again. Driving is a chore and feels foreign. My arms and hands feel fumbly and my legs are antsy but I force myself out.

Last night I had a friend ask me how I was. I responded, “Ok.” He must have seen my inner struggle though because he said,”you seem calmer but you are holding something in.” That is it exactly but I do not know what I am holding in.. Am I holding in overwhelming sadness that I never will understand? I wish my friend had the knowledge of my inner beast because I am struggling holding it back.

I have no problem saying I have anxiety issues, but depression is so unexplainable when there is nothing to be depressed about. I don’t know why I am sad, I just am. I will not be this way forever but today just seems like one of those forever days. I will leave the house again and brave the bright coldness of the day, sad, but determined to not let the house call me back in.

Growing Up To Be Old. By Julie Haibach

I am the oldest and youngest person right now. I am pregnant with you and I decided to keep you. I am scared and angry, I am also showing everyone that I can pretend to be mature and strong. Noone sees me cry myself to sleep every night as I weep, saying why me over and over again. No one sees the scared introverted girl because they never saw her before…. NoW I will be seen…that is ok, I am good at pretending at what people need me to be, I am now a grown up. My teddy bear is left behind for my night time tears, Day is time of pretend.

I had my first child at 18. She was born under high stress and I lost to much blood. Luckily, she was strong and LOUD. She was born like a storm and has continued to be a force to be reckoned with but that is a story for another day. I didn’t fair as well. My stress level took a huge toll that first six months. I was iron deprived so very anemic and looking back, very depressed. I am sure I had post partum but didn’t really know what that was. So many nights of no sleep and collicy baby… That’s ok, I have makeup to cover the dark circles and tears are still for my teddy bear.

I found someone like me…An adult who had to grow up just as fast. He is the youngest out of his siblings but yet was forced into the oldest child role. He became what family his mother needed and put his childhood aside by age 18 as well. No tears but resentment will build, he is a rock when he should have been a Pebble for a little longer. Children pretending to be adults, the world has been fooled.

We fell in love and decided we needed a baby together. Children acting like children in this moment. Annette came in the world quietly. Half hour after getting to the hospital our silent but also strong baby girl was born. She will be so much but nothing like either of us all at the same time…She is good at pretending as well.

Life continued, my role as Mom was set. Sweater vests with embroidered animals, home made costumes and treats, volunteer for the school, plays, Earth days, science fairs and more. I gave up on myself to be all I could be as a pretend adult. Night time fears come in… Only this many years until I can stop counting the children’s ages until 18.. then they could pretend to be grown ups too.

I became a 20 something in my 30’s.. This backwards point came as a surprise. All that work of pretending came undone very quickly. By pretending I had lost myself completely so I pretended again, I became selfish and destructive…I am a child that would throw my bear if I had him still. I am pretending to be what I never wanted to be….mean.

I am now 46.. I dress the way I want, I write with true sober thoughts, I draw, I am always willing to try new things. This is me, no pretending. Why am I writing this? I hope I reach one young girl that may be going through the same. Don’t lose yourself in the game of pretend. Be true to yourself.

Tree Of Life. By Julie Haibach

I watch you, you don’t know how many times I stare out the window to watch your branches dance and your leaves wave hello. I look away like I have been caught…like catching yourself in a mirror.

When it is calm and warm I sit under your cool leaf umbrella. I get sleepy, maybe I tilt my head back and look through the green canopy to see the sun shimmer against the blue green tapestry. I smile to myself about my new secret prespective. Teaches me it is all how you look at things.

Rainy warm days are your favorite. The rain hits your canopy and your leaves wilt with gratitude. You feel nourishment and love. Maybe I will join you but instead dance under your leaves so they rain down on me once their gratitude becomes to full.

Some rainy days though, you look sad..leaves are brown, each cold windy raindrop just pushing the enivitable of letting go. Those days I look outside and may feel cold and alone like you. A tear seeps out I turn with a sigh.

What is this? Green pushing through? I am watching and waiting… Your story is my story, A new year a new life Thank you

my tree of life.

We Can’t Take It With Us. By Julie Haibach.

Today is going to be more upbeat really it is. Don’t be scared of the title. I have been thinking of my “stuff” since I watched a humorous travel documentary. Until just recently I was carrying a small carry-on bag everywhere I went. I needed all my coping skills with me. Markers,pens,pencils, chalk and two sketch books. Books, notebook, and a pla

nner. Ear buds and phone. My life and security in one bag. I am down to one sketch pad, pen, and pencil when I am on the road as an extra security. Some day I will leave all my stuff behind or will I? Maybe there is a way to have it sent to me…

This brings me to the documentary. The two main characters traveled to Vietnam and visited a stall in a bazaar that just sold paper items that represented real items. Even the sizes were correct.. want a paper scooter? You got it. Bath tub? Of course! These two picked up these items and many more. Why you ask? Is it a weird souvenir thing? No, we are now going to a temple.

At the temple they were led to a large furnace and started burning all the lovely paper items…even the bathtub. These items will now go on to the after life to their loved ones. This got me thinking of what I would send or what I would want to receive because maybe this is the loophole, maybe we can have some earthly things in heaven and instead of heaven on Earth there is Earth on heaven!

I am just going to buy for few people, paper or not, still expensive. Grandpa R. I would send a cardigan, books, speakers so you can hear, a blender with all the ingredients for whiskey sours, your Christmas tie and a car. Although you were bad at it, you did love to drive. Grandma R. I would send you paper and paint, subscription to family circle, your smokes and a chair. Flowers and houseplants, blankets and slippers, because you ruled at comfiness. Perfumes and shiny things. Manhattans and knick knacks. Marcia, my friend, flowers so many flowers, tattoos, motorcycles and lawn ornaments. Shamrocks and Valentine’s.

Now it is my turn. This will be easy since I realized what makes me happy I can carry with me. Sketchpads, books, markers,pens,pencils, chalk, and a notebook for writing. A blanket because like my Grandma, love comfiness. Coffee and a few lawn gnomes and I am set. What would you want in the after life? It is truly amazing to think of all the stuff you have and what you really want for eternity.

See, I told you this would be lighter. See you next week my readers!

Restless By: Julie Haibach

Wasn’t going to write until after my appointment but as usual, time is always enough even if I never believe it is not. I also wasn’t going to write until later today because honestly I don’t feel like writing but I also don’t want the guilt of not writing. I am on a down cycle.. I am restless, irritated, meloncoly,and very self judging this week take the good with the bad right? Put your big girl pants on and write.

When I am down like this, everything I do or have done seems pointless or even juvenile. My art therapy seems like a ten year old did them. I can’t think of anything inspirational to write to go with them. Yesterday I drew an Angel, she looks perturbed..almost like how dare you waste my time by creating me…the angel is a golden haired version of my self.. time waster. Maybe a podcast? Nope, too much into your head to hear it. Listened to music yesterday.. cried. Watched a show…cried. Then cried again that I was watching a show at 11 a.m.

Weekend plans are starting. I was invited to an event Saturday night. I still haven’t responded. Right now? I don’t want to go but Saturday I may. I can’t commit again, I don’t trust myself. My finger floats above the letter y to text yes but I can’t. Outings other than work have been hard and hurried this week. No joy in conversation with cashier’s just me mumbling thanks and looking at the floor. ” Don’t look at me, I am pointless this week.”

Self judgement is high today. I guess I do have something to talk about at my appointment. Sorry readers, hopefully next week I am cheerier. Until then everyone find your peace and stick with it… I am glad I wrote today.